Hi! It’s 1 in the morning, which means I have time to write my blog. It’s funny, because back in high school I used to use my blog as a silly place to rant and talk about life and boy problems. I think a lot of people did–hence why Livejournal and poorly designed Blogger websites were so popular.
Now, though, everything is about content and SEO and ranking high and getting pageviews and monetizing. The Internet isn’t personal anymore; it’s a money-making machine. And that has felt very lonely at times.
What have I been up to? Well, aside from my awesome day job as the Community Facilitator over at SEA Founders, I’ve been preparing for Ubud. Because yes, I’ll be at Ubud Writers + Readers Festival alongside some of the most talented writers in the world. It still feels like an absolute dream. These past few weeks have been a mess, what with moving to the new house and going to Singapore (twice!) and everything else. Life is busy. I’m sure you know that well.
Like always, I’ve been struggling with doubt and confusion about who I am and what I’m doing and whether or not I should continue what I’ve been doing this whole time. Confession: I’ve been dealing with a lot of pent-up frustration recently, which I think stems from this internalized idea that I shouldn’t complain about what I’m going through because I’m so lucky to have what I do. As a result, I’ve been lashing out passive-aggressively quite a lot recently.
I’ve been trying to take a “break” of sorts and kind of return to a schedule; the recent commotion has left me scrambling for time and struggling to make sense of everything that’s been going on. I’ve been thinking more and more about that Australian travel blogger who went nuclear and deleted her Instagram page; I wonder how she’s doing and if she’s living her best life. The more time I spend on Instagram and Facebook, the more I get sucked into pretty pictures and this idea that I’m not “flawless” enough or not “aesthetic” enough or not this enough or that enough, that I’m not “engaging” enough with my followers, etc., etc.
The truth is that I’m tired and burnt out, more than slightly so, and I have too little energy for social media except as a silent consumer of all these gorgeous images and curated everythings. So if you’re reading this and you’re a follower, then I’m sorry.
Anyways, my short story was published a week or two in the Jakarta Post! It’s an excerpt; I cut a lot out to make room for the word count limit. Maybe one day I’ll share the full version with everyone! It was originally titled “Mania”; they tacked on the “Painting” part.
I hope, as always, that you have a wonderful day.